Complaints and Insults
“You stole my things”, “I hate you”, “You’re trying to kill me”
Sometimes the person that has dementia will complain about the same things repeatedly to you regardless of your best efforts to care for them or minimize the situation. They may say mean things to you like "you don't care about me", "you stole my things", "I don't like you". This is so difficult especially when you are doing everything for them. Your first response may be to take this as a personal attack and defend yourself by arguing with them. This is pointless and may lead to a catastrophic reaction.
If your loLwd (loved one Living with dementia) speaks rudely or unkindly to you take a moment and step back. What is happening at that moment? Could there be an outside source causing discomfort or anxiety? Imagine what you would feel like if you were having to be cared for, felt lost and confused most of the time or lost your ability to be independent. An example would be that all the person knows is their things are gone and you are there so you must have stolen them.
Because the pLwd (person Living with dementia) can't accurately sort out what is going on around them they may misinterpret your efforts at helping them as one that is hurting them or "taking" from them. They have a damaged brain. They may not be able to understand or accept their increasing impairment and current situation.
Of course, we cannot know what the pLwd is feeling or what they mean but we can find loving ways to talk with them to just "be" present with them in their moment.
For example: When they say, "I want to go home" they could mean "I want to go back to the place I felt safe and had a good quality of life and wasn't afraid all the time".
Encourage them that you are there with them to care for them, that they are in a safe place, and you love them.
If they ask, "Where is everyone", the room could be full of people, but they don't recognize anyone. Introduce yourself to them and ask others to do the same. Stand in front of them (eye contact) and stand at their level (if seated bend down or sit) speak in a soft tone (not loud or strong) state your name and you are happy to know them. Discuss a picture or item of interest to them.
When you are exposed to this type of behavior try not to argue. You can't reason with someone that can no longer reason. This may only upset the situation more. Some families find it helpful to just ignore the comments or use distractions. I've found distractions are the most beneficial. Keep photo books or pictures around that they find interest in and when they become agitated bring it out and open to favorite subject.
It’s helpful to remind yourself that the person with dementia has lost the ability to be "tactful" in their comments. They don't purposely mean to be unkind; they are just telling their truth.
Each person with dementia is different. Some may retain social skills and some not. Some become fearful and suspicious, making accusations. Many times, the pLwd doesn't understand the situation or what is happening which can cause them to become fearful and agitated.
If the pLwd makes a scene in public, you may want to give a brief explanation of their illness. Most people are aware of dementias and how they can affect a person and will understand. If they don't understand and look angry, remind yourself they are strangers and you will probably never see them again, do they really need an explanation? It’s okay to remove yourselves from the situation without explanation. You could even have some cards printed up that say something like "please pardon my loved one, they have Alzheimer's disease. Although they look well the disease is destroying their memory".
All in all, when you are caring for your loved one and you are treating them with kindness, empathy or sympathy know that you are doing the best you can to provide them good care.
You are proving that right now by seeking help here!
The person Living with dementia isn't "giving" you a hard time, they are "having" a hard time!
